TURKEY TOURNAMENT REPORT:  SPINDLER RUNS TO VICTORY IN CRANBERRY RACE

AUTHOR�S NOTE: This was a long day at The Court; it actually started last Thursday with the running of the 32d Annual Cranberry Race with the duel between finalists Dave Stabler, the reigning Club Champion, and Henry Spindler, the Club Temporary President.  In order to cover the events properly, I have divided his report into chapters.

Sincerely, K. Francis Gordon*

*Unlike most of my prior reports, this report takes a �no holds barred� approach to describing what happened yesterday at The Court.  In the interests of protecting my family (most notably my prized Bernese Mountain dogs), from any fallout resulting from this report, I will henceforth employ the aforementioned nom de plume.

CHAPTER ONE:  SPINDLER TROUNCES STABLER IN CRANBERRY RUN, ISSUES CHALLENGE TO STABLER IN POST RACE PRESS CONFERENCE.

Thanksgiving morning dawned cold and windy, just the kind of weather legendary long-distance runner Dave Stabler loves.  Stabler intended to use this race as a conditioning tune up to the upcoming squash tournament. 

Until his arrival at the starting line, he did not know that his likely challenger in the finals and No. 2 seed in the Turkey Tournament, would also be at the starting line. 

Spindler had planned for months to run the race, knowing full well that Stabler was a regular participant in the event.  Spindler had hoped to use the encounter to demoralize Stabler.

Unfortunately, Spindler�s planning was to no avail as he lost in four games in the finals of the Fourth Annual ASC&DC Turkey Tournament.  More to follow in Chapter Six.

CHAPTER TWO:  THE EARLY ROUNDS; NO SURPRISES

The first match of the day pitted former Club President, Dan Henderson, against President for Life, yours truly.  Gordon planned on a quick match en route to a meeting with Stabler in the quarter finals.  Henderson would have no part of it.

Utilizing an effective short game and surprisingly superior conditioning, Henderson took the first game by a close score.  Gordon won the next two games handily.  Henderson rallied and won the fourth game.  During the break between the fourth and fifth games, Henderson inquired of Referee Schwabe, �If I win, who is my next opponent.�  Referee Schwabe informed him that he would be running headlong into Stabler.  Henderson promptly caved in the fifth game, figuring that he had a better shot in the consolation round.  More to follow in a subsequent chapter.

The second match featured Jim Rousmaniere against newbie Shawn Supple.  Supple attempted to employ a variety of techniques in which he has been schooled by Ronda Lake, but to no avail.  Jim�s short game and frequent frame shots claimed the match in three games.

The last early round match saw Wink Faulkner playing against the rejuvenated Kim Temple.  The match featured a number of long points, a series of pratfalls by Faulkner, several obscenities by the latter, but, ultimately, a three game victory for the younger squasher.

CHAPTER THREE:  THE QUARTER FINALS, HIGHER SEEDS ADVANCE EASILY

The first quarterfinal match was the dueling docs, Tim versus Tom.  Obviously fearing Tim�s superior position at Cheshire Medical Center, Tom laid down like a cheap rug, 11-4, 11-8 and (this is not a misprint) 11-1.

The second quarter final match proved the wisdom of Henderson�s Greg Louganis move in the early round as Stabler barely broke a sweat in advancing over yours truly, 11-6, 11-6, and 11-8.  The gallery was shocked when two pretty women showed up to watch Gordon play and immediately suspected that they were being paid to attend the match out of monies that Gordon collected from tournament entry fees.

The next match featured No. 4 seed, Chris Schwabe, against Jim.  Schwabe, who had not yet paid his entry fee for the tournament, immediately complained when he noticed that I had elected to referee the match without my glasses.  As it turned out, even a blind man could not help Jim, as Chris moved on with three relatively easy wins, 11-5, 11-8 and 11-3.

The last quarterfinal match witnessed the late arrival of Temporary President Spindler against Wink.  Schwabe had repeatedly asked me, as Tournament Director, to disqualify Henry because he had not arrived 15 minutes before the announced time of his match.  If it had been anybody else asking, I would probably have ruled against Spindler.  Not so for Schwabe.  Henry jumped to early leads in three straight games and won 11-5, 11-4 and 11-5. 

CHAPTER FOUR:  CONSOLATION MATCHES NOT MUCH OF A CONSOLATION FOR ALL BUT DR. COCHRAN, THE LESSER.

The Consolation Final between Tom and Dan was a relative nonevent and really only served to delay the playing of the semifinals in the featured end of the draw as Tom easily won 11-1, 11-5 and 11-3.  Dan complained that he thought that it was unfair that a seeded player was permitted to play in the consolation rounds.  He did not get very far.

CHAPTER FIVE:  THE SEMIS, HIGHER SEEDS CONTINUE MARCH TO FINALS

In the first semifinal match, the incredibly lucky husband of Lael STABLER Schwabe scored a moral victory over brother in law Stabler when he took Dave to one extra point in the third, and last, game, 11-7, 11- 6, and 12-10.  Chris was so happy with his moral victory that a stranger to the game would have thought that he had won the match.

The other semifinal featured frequent match rivals Tim and Henry.  Henry won in five games, 11-4, 7-11, 11-9, 8-11, and 11-9.  Tim led most of the way through the final game but let the lead slip away.

Tim�s loss meant that he would not be bringing home the bacon, so to speak.  As most of you know, the prize for second place, aka, First Loser, is one pound of premium Essem hot dogs and a can of B&M baked beans.  Tim�s family has been able to count on this traditional New England meal on most match Sundays because he has repeatedly lost in the finals to Stabler.  Unfortunately this time, he did not even make it to the finals, thanks to the slightly superior play of Henry.

I was shocked when shortly after conclusion of the tournament I received a call from 7-year old, and cute as the Dickens, Elizabeth Fisher.  Little Elizabeth reported to me that her Daddy got home from the match in a pretty foul mood.  Elizabeth said that Tim started taking his gear out of his bag and throwing it around the house.  As it turns out, Tim had told wife Kathy and kids, Elizabeth and little Jack, that if he won the hardware, he was going to splurge on a feast for the family at the �dining room� of MacDonalds.  If he lost in the finals, he would be bringing home the dogs and beans, a classic win-win situation.  The kids were delighted.  However, because he lost in the semis, he returned home empty handed and told the kids that they were going to bed without dinner.

Feeling bad for the remainder of the Fisher family and not surprised by his actions, I made a special trip Paul�s, bought some premium hot dogs and a can of beans and delivered them to the Fisher Estate on East Surry Road.  The kids were delighted and acted as if it were Christmas.

In the contest for third place, Chris won the first two games handily and then Tim pulled a PFL move when he feigned injury and defaulted in the third game.

CHAPTER SIX:  THE FINALS, FINALLY

The final match of the day saw the conclusion of four days of pre-match posturing, mostly by Spindler.

Shortly after the end of Thursday�s Cranberry Race, the 39 year old Spindler called a press conference on the formerly rotted steps of The Court.  He thought that he could entice a large crowd at the event when he told folks at the finish line of the race that The Court now featured an outdoor port-o-potty.  I was the only member of the fourth estate to attend the event, and there may be some question about my credentials.

Henry told the assembled mass at the conference that his convincing victory over 58 year old Stabler in the race marked the end of his long and storied (if merely local) athletic career.  Employing a series of familiar but unattributed quotes, such as �a new day has dawned on the corner of Tiffin and Martin Streets,� Henry claimed that his seven seconds per mile margin over Stabler proved that Dave�s better days were behind him.

Unfortunately, Henry forgot that he still had to play the match.  Stabler, who had barely broken a sweat on the way to the finals, won in four games, 11-5, 9-11, 11-8 and 11-9.  At his own press conference held on the formerly rotted steps of The Court, Stabler spoke in measured terms about letting his racquet do the talking, and other such crap.

All in all, it was another great and fun day at The Court.  Dr. Simington appeared in time to watch the finals and take pictures of the awards ceremony.  The pictures should be arriving in your email box soon.

Thanks to all for playing and watching.  The next event will be the Holiday Tournament.  To the delight of everybody who was at The Court yesterday, Tournament Directors Lake and Ducharme said that they will NOT be traveling over the Christmas-New Years week and, therefore, will be in attendance for the next big event.  My term as Temporary Tournament Director expired.

K. Francis Gordon, Scribe and PFL